Crazy Mind Games

I wrote this in 2005, for a school mythology assignment none-the-less. I'm looney. I don't even know.... I'll write some new stuff soon, promise. My past self just tickles me pink...
Cast:
Zeus: Bush
Hera: Barbara Walters
Hestia: Martha Stewart
Demeter: Dolly Parton
Poseidon: Sadaam Hussein
Hephaestus: Alberto Gonzales
Ares: Osama Bin Laden
Aphrodite: Paris Hilton
Athena: Hilary Clinton
Hermes: Dr. Phil
Apollo: Mel Gibson
Artemis: Condoleezza Rice
Hades: Bill Gates
Dionysus: Garfield – as in the cat

Intro: So it was, that on the twenty-first day of June in the year 2005 that a gathering occurred. A gathering of the most unique and, perhaps, most disturbing kind. A gathering of people so influential and so egotistical that they believed that they had the power to control the universe. They called themselves “The Triumph.”

These fourteen individuals joined together with their underlings, those devoted to them in a life of servitude so that they might contemplate how to more thoroughly infiltrate the media, and by default, the world with propaganda and hypocrisy. President George W. Bush leading up the group, sitting at the head of a large mahogany table idly counting the number of toothpicks in the toothpick dispenser. Barbara Walters, his secret wife and cohort in the infiltration of media sources. Next to Barbara sat Martha Stewart, reorganizing the centerpiece. Farther down the table came Dolly Parton, who was still not sure why she was here, Sadaam Hussein who was gleeful discussing war with his brother and partner in crime, Osama Bin Laden. Alberto Gonzales sat listening to them talk quietly, taking notes While Paris Hilton started longingly down the table at Mel Gibson and Hilary Clinton discussed psychological issues with Dr. Phil. Condoleezza Rice was steadily edging closer to the conversation between Osama and Sadaam, trying to get a bit of information, and Bill Gates was carefully planning a way to store human souls in his zippy2010 laptop. Finally, at the foot of the table, Garfield set, his fat rolls drifting off the chair and swigged a bottle of chardonnay, waiting for the meeting to be called to order. And so they were assembled.
Bush: Alright then, I guess we’d better get this shin dig called to order. Is everyone here?Barbara: (pulling out a notepad) I’m going to need you all to speak clearly and concisely so I can take notes.
Bill Gates: (pulling out an older version of his laptop) Here, Barbara, this model is far better equipped for your note taking than that primitive notepad.
Barbara: Thanks Bill.
Bush: Now, as we know, we have a world to take over, a humanity to ruin, and weapons of mass destruction to fabricate. Sadaam! Osama! What on EARTH are you doing? Did I not tell you to leave the explosive devices outside the meeting hall?
Osama: Oops, sorry Dad. We forgot. Sadaam, take them out in the hall.
Sadaam: Why should I have to? You should do it.
Osama: No, dude, it’s not my problem.
Sadaam: It’s not my problem either.
Bush: Okay, leave them alone, it’s not as though anyone really cares if we all get blown to smithereens anyway. Now, we need to plan a coordinated attack on China so we can enslave their citizens and force them to build more synthetic goods to make our nation the top producers of necessary goods in the words. Paris, what are you doing?
Paris: Filing my nails.
Bush: Is that a DAWG in my meeting room?
Paris: It’s only Fifi! Come here Fifi!
Bush: What the hell is that dawg doing in my meeting room?
Paris: Fifi goes everywhere with me. Hmph.
Bush: Back to the business at hand, again. Dr. Phil, do you have any ideas as to how we can brain wash the leaders of China into leading their citizens on over here.
Dr. Phil: Why sure, we’ll just give them happy tee-shirts that say “Walk to America” and then my wife and I will lead them across the Pacific Ocean!
Bush: Phil, have you considered seeking psychiatric help? Because from all that I can see, you’re an idiot.
Hilary: If I may speak, what if we encouraged the Chinese to come here under the ploy that we were giving them a nice place to stay while we were boosting their economy and redesigning their country?
Martha: I’ll redesign their country! I got some great silk drapes in the other day, and a few well-placed fruit bowls will have their country looking just super.
Paris: And some pink boas too!
Alberto: Sir, I would suggest we just gather up our troops, put them in huge armored vehicles (transitional between water and land, of course) and take the country by force.
Osama: Yeah, Dad, or we could just run a plane into their most prominent cities.
Sadaam: Or we could just blow them up.
Bush: Osama, I let you try the plane trick once, and you got the wrong country, I don’t think I’d trust you pioneering a jet again. Sadaam, you don’t have any weapons, so how do you propose we blow them up?
Condoleezza: Well we’re going to have to figure out how to take them over somehow. I mean, honestly, Mr. Bush. We can’t let them continue to govern themselves freely or they might come up with the same world-wide brain-washing scheme we have!
Alberto: She has a point! We must take action. We can’t blow them up like a bunch of idiots, that would let the other countries in on our motives.
Sadaam: Oh! So you’re saying my ideas are bad are you?!?
Osama: Of course he’s saying your ideas are bad, mine are much better.
Bush: Okaaay boys, calm down.
Martha: Would you like a pretzel, Mr. Bush?
Bush: A pretzel? (he turns pale) Why, no thank you Martha.
Dolly: Well y’all, I don’t know what I’m doing here. Come on Paris, honey let’s go back to Pigeon Forge, I got some of my new rides in.
Paris: Alright (Dolly and Paris exit.)
Bill: Well now that the ditzy fake blondes are gone; I have designed an underground lair, complete with fire, brimstone, and a burning river. How about, we send all those who are resistant to brain washing down there. I can watch over them via a set of well-placed cameras and they’ll just think they’ve died and are burning in Hell.
Bush: Now that ain’t a bad idea, Bill.
Mel: Well that’s not all together right, everyone deserves a chance to be saved! Why not build a sanctuary in the sky? Where everyone can be happy together! Of course, none of YOU will be saved, because you’re not as pure as I am, you didn’t depict yourself pounding a nail into your poor savior’s hand.
Bush: Lovely sentiments, Mel. Boys, remove him.
(Sadaam and Osama propel the still babbling Mel from the room.)
Bush: Now, can we get back to business?
Garfield: (burp) Alright, well this was fun, I’m out of here.
Martha: My turkey is in the oven! I forgot about it!
Dr. Phil: I have a show in half an hour, I need to get my makeup done.
Bush: Fine, meeting dismissed. (to Osama and Sadaam) You boys better go back to your respective mountain caves.
Sadaam: But daaaad, I wanted to torture the jailers for a little longer in my cell.
Bush: Fine, just stay out of trouble, you two, I’ve already dealt with you enough.

Conclusion: And so the second summit meeting of ‘The Triumph’ was disbanded much as the first, with everyone going their separate ways, and nothing being accomplished.